I Used to Get Annoyed Watching Love Scenes
There are three potential pathways when you have feelings for someone: they feel the same way and you get together, they don’t feel the same way and you move on, or they feel the same way and you don’t get together.
That third pathway is by far the worst. And that’s the path I found myself on earlier this year.
We met at work and were texting a lot. We texted for months on end. I fell hard and fast and once I was in, I was in.
While I was able to text her a lot and talk at work, I didn’t get much more than that. We only hung out outside of work once.
During this time living separate lives yet texting so much, I was in a really bad place. I felt like my soul came out of my body, waiting to connect with hers once she was ready.
As my soul wandered, my body was getting by but mostly lifeless, just living at the mercy of her next words.
This had a lot of negative effects on me. Whether I was at work or home, I couldn’t find enough distractions to get her off my mind. I waited hours for responses, attaching my mood to the mood and frequency of our discussions.
I tied myself to my phone every day. She owned me and didn’t even know it.
Over time, I got better at dealing with it. But during this five-month period, I shook my head and rolled my eyes anytime I saw a couple or a love scene in a movie. I was jealous and mad that I didn’t have that kind of connection.
Eventually, I cut ties with this girl. She told me she liked me but didn’t show it. Her actions and words were never aligned. I was no longer willing to submit myself to the pain, allowing myself to be completely out of control.
For those five months, I was willingly suffering, hoping for an outcome to justify the pain. But that outcome never came.
Adjusting to life without her was tough but necessary. My focus dramatically improved and it reminded me how much I love myself. I lost myself in that time and the separation I had from who I really am completely changed me.
While it didn’t take me long to remember how awesome I am whether a girl likes me or not, those thoughts still crept in and out of my mind. I spent time dissecting the whole experience and wondered what went wrong.
I recovered, though, and feel great — the best I’ve felt since before the pandemic struck.
I was recently watching Good Will Hunting, one of my favorite movies ever, and one that’s theme is centered around love.
During one scene where Will Hunting (Matt Damon) and Skylar (Minnie Driver) are laying in bed, happy and in love, I began to smile. I caught myself and acknowledged it. It was the sign that I was truly over that experience and happy to be moving forward.
Before meeting this girl, I always smiled during love scenes. While I’ve never been in love, I have been in a relationship where I felt very happy. I wasn’t in it long enough to feel that deep feeling, but I got a taste of it. I saw the upside of love.
Now, with that black cloud gone and my soul back in my body, I smile for people that are in love. The jealousy and pain is in the past.
I know that the path to love is bumpy, just as it was in Good Will Hunting, and that I have a lot of bumpiness ahead of me. I may feel that jealousy and pain again someday.
For now, though, I smile during love scenes.